I make a-da Italians feel-a bad about dere heritage.

Just like every other college-educated, self-loathing white son of middle class parents who lives in Madison, I read the A.V. Club and The Onion too much. So let me break with what’s expected of me and link to an A.V. Club story in the next paragraph:

When I started considering writing a review of Rocky Rococo’s, Wisconsin’s pre-eminent corporate pizza chain a whole 36 hours ago, I ran across this Inventory running down movies in which the police detective is told he is too close to a case, and couldn’t help parallel (again, no one else parallels their lives to something they read in the Onion, and by no one, I mean everyone) that list with this review. Am I too close to Rocky’s to write a review of the Italian stereotype-furthering chain? Probably.

You see, I worked at Rocky’s for entirely too long, from the fall of 2002 till the late summer of 2007. I literally did every job you could do at Rocky’s, from starting out as a QC– the guy who cuts the pizzas–to getting laid off for two months by a manager who hated me because I didn’t like him (for the record, I never hated him, just disliked him). I then got rehired as a dishwasher, and worked my way back up to Prep—making pizzas—to delivery driver, and then to Shift Manager. I then resigned and worked as a delivery driver again, and made the pizza dough at seven in the morning two days a week.

I mean, I’ve cleaned shit-filled plugged toilets at Rocky’s. I got to help fire a dude from Rocky’s. I’ve technically stolen breadsticks from Rocky’s. I ate roughly 1,500 slices of pizza from Rocky’s (at least five slices a week for four years). I had to throw out old jeans because they didn’t fit any more because of Rocky’s. I had a guy steal pizza from me when I was on a delivery from Rocky’s. I nearly killed a motorcyclist the same shift. I slept in the office at Rocky’s. I’ve seen what their enormous sausage looks like when it’s not been made into patties, and it’s fucking gross. I’ve thrown up in a trashcan at Rocky’s. I sat on boxes of vegetables in the cooler when the air conditioner broke at Rocky’s. I paid for college by working at Rocky’s. I have permanent calluses in the “L” between my pointer fingers and thumbs because I burned my hands every day at Rocky’s.

So am I too close to Rocky’s to write this review? You bet your sweet ass, I am. But one of us pizza-loving fucks has to do it, and since I’ve got some time to kill between now and when I go to work, here it goes:

The Good: Rocky’s is basically the best available chain in Wisconsin, as it straight annihilates Pizza Hut’s butt, Papa John’s john, and Domino’s moldy ball sack. But it used to be a venerable Madison institution, like Ian’s before Ian’s. But after it went corporate in the ‘80s, it lost some of its magic. It’s now basically the place where you take your mouth-breathing kids when they want to play arcade games (at least at the Madison locations that have games) and you don’t want to eat the gonorrhea on a crust that is a Chuck E. Cheese ‘za.

But still, the attention to pizza-making craft is on a higher level than that of other chains. The crust is hand-made, and the toppings are generally fresh and delicious.  The whole-wheat crust might be the best crust on earth, and their sausage is famous the world over (at least from Appleton to Milwaukee and La Crosse), but it’s really more of a meatball. I still get a laugh whenever I think about how all the corporate handbooks said the sausage had to be three fingers. That’s what she said, am I right, guys?

The Bad: The main problem with Rocky’s is the fact that any pizza you buy might be way too doughy and uncooked in the middle. That’s the perils of ordering a pizza that is about 12 pounds of dough. I could never understand how people could order zas from Rocky’s with 8 toppings, because even they had to know that shit wasn’t going to be cooked right. Plus the fact that I am writing this after taking a break to eat a ‘za from Pizza Extreme should tell you something: Rocky’s isn’t going to beat your local place. But then again, that’s coming from someone who has eaten way too much Rocky’s.

Try: I loved a slice called the Motherlode, which is a promotional slice that is available every once in a while, and features stuffed crust. Rocky’s stuffed crust is made with smoked mozzarella, which is basically the best. For non-promotional times, you can’t go wrong with an Uncle Sal’s on whole-wheat.

Rating: Less offensive to Italians than all of the Mario Games (minus Mario Party 5), but equally offensive to that dude named Big Pussy on The Sopranos.

Is Pokey giving Gumby a handy? I'd bet so.

Like the green rubbered fellow that gives the place its namesake, Gumby’s Pizza in Madison has seen better days. Which is basically like a nice way of saying it’s a shitpile, but still; when I went there recently, they had just been raided by the local Pepsi distributor who took all of their Pepsi back due to delinquent bills. The dude working there said it was because corporate didn’t pay a bill (it apparently had nothing to do with him), which is pretty gnarly to think about, since Pepsi apparently has collection people who will come and yank out soda fountains at the drop of a hat. Plus they didn’t actually have pans to serve the pizza on, so we ate ours right out of the box. They did have paper plates at least. But even the fucking stone Gumby they have in there is torn the hell up. Seriously, he looks less put together than Lil Wayne.

But the fact that I had to drink warm tap water out of a sink in back didn’t prevent the place from having some kind of charm; it’s basically the stereotypical stoner delight that can’t really exist elsewhere in Wisconsin. The dude working the oven seemed stoned. The guy working the counter seemed stoned. And they actually laughed about how bad their customer service is, while still seeming somewhat embarrassed about the whole no soda, no pan thing. If it was a Pizza Hut chain in Stevens Point, someone would have shut it down years ago for it being a dump. In Madison, this place could be a local favorite for years.

It somehow went from being horrifically awful to being kind of charming. It’s nice when the guy running the place takes a break from his cigarette break (which happens right on the balcony that overlooks State Street) to ask if he can get you anything else. It’s even better when he pours you a refill of warm tap water out of the sink in back in between laughing at how he can’t understand why anyone would eat there.

The Good: The price, mainly, which is really cheap. There was some kind of deal we got that involved getting a menu item of lesser value for free if you buy a large pizza. To be honest, I never quite got the specifics of the deal because the monumentally stoned delivery driver kept interrupting and making the whole thing seem like they were making shit up as they went along. Which is probably half true. So we got a large pizza and a large order of Pokey Stix for like $15.

The best menu item is the Pokey Stix, which are named after Gumby’s horse/sexual partner (seriously, they had to be fucking each other, right? I mean, who lives with a horse for their whole life and isn’t fucking/being fucked by said horse? Matthew Broderick? HO!). Basically, they’re Toppers Stix with a shit ton of garlic. Which makes them way awesome. The only problem is the whole shitting gallons of garlic six to eight hours after consumption.

The Bad: Gumby’s Pizza (which is apparently a full chain, though I’d never heard of it until I moved here) comes from a sub-genus of pizza I affectionately call the “Hot Garbage Genus.” This pizza fits all the qualities that you expect from pizza (it’s reasonably warm, has cheese, some kind of meat/sauce) but it’s basically garbage. There is a time and place for Hot Garbage pizza, and most of those times involve being broke and/or drunk and/or having no taste buds. Gumby’s is solidly in the middle of the Hot Garbage Genus, slotting somewhere above Pizza Hut, Pizza Pit and Papa John’s, but somewhere below Topper’s (contrary to popular belief, Domino’s doesn’t fit in this genus; it belongs to the “Actual Shit” genus).

Try: The Pokey Stix. And getting a medium Pepsi. It sounds like I’m harping on that point, but I ended up not caring; it was just really, really sad. Going to Gumby’s is like watching an old porn star film a scene; the motions of a pizza place are there, they’re just not able to finish on your face.

Rating: Equal to actually having to watch an episode of Gumby.

http://www.wiseguysappleton.com

When I’m in Appleton, WI I mainly like to do three things. First on my list is leave. My second favorite time killer is seeing how drunk I can get before getting my ass kicked or ending up in the Appleton Police Department’s holding cell. This has provided me many years of entertainment. My other favorite thing to do is eat pizza. With gems such as Stuc’s and Frank’s (plus Cranky Pat’s just a little bit south) you really can’t go wrong. When I visited Appleton most recently my friend and Appleton local, David Joseph Kiley, got me hip to a new joint. Wiseguys Pizzeria & Pub.

Dave, his girlfriend Toni, and myself visited Wiseguys the day after Thanksgiving. I had woken Dave up at 1 PM by busting through his front door and demanding beer (which I got). Dave has a real knack for having girlfriends who complain so almost immediately Toni started whining about how hungry she was. After a good thirty minutes of them bickering about which place to eat I decided for us.

Wiseguy’s Pizzeria is located in a newly built strip mall on the south side of Appleton. I, actually, consider this part of town Menasha but I’m not 100% clear on town borders. There are a few options for seating areas at Wiseguys: the bar area, the dining room, and out front. The dining room is pretty large with booths and tables. The bar area has a few hightop tables and, of course, seating at the bar. We sat on the bar side. Our waitress came with the menus, took our orders (Sam Adams Winter Lager for me), and gave us some time to peruse the menu. They have sandwiches, burgers, appetizers, and even grilled cheese for kids. They call the salad section “Leaves” and the soup section “Liquid.” Kind of weird.

I flipped my menu over and saw one of the most impressive specialty pizza sections I’ve ever seen. Sure, it has some of your regulars. The Mexican pizza, the BBQ Chicken, the Hawaiian, etc. Then you see things such as The Kuester (mild sauce, mozzarella, monterey jack, provolone, crumbled blue cheese, crumbled bacon, fresh basil, parmesan, and roasted garlic). Are you kidding me? Amazing. The Italian Beef pizza piqued my curiosity but the Pak’r Bak’r really did it for me. I mean, what would Aaron Rodgers think if I didn’t order this pizza?

The Pak’r Bak’r has Wiseguy’s special mustard sauce, mozzarella, sauerkraut, and bratwurst. Not being the biggest fan of mustard I asked about the special mustard sauce. It’s a mix of yellow mustard and a spicy brown and was told it’s better enjoyed with extra sauce. I was hesitant but sold. Order placed.

The hand tossed crust was thicker than your typical hand tossed. The mustard sauce was really subtle except near the edge of the crust where it became very prevalent. The bratwurst and sauerkraut were delicious. I’ve had sauerkraut on pizza before and I highly suggest trying it.

The Good: The pizza selection. There is a large spread of “Gourmet Pizzas” and, just like the Adam & Eve catalog (not linking that one…), there is bound to be something for everyone’s taste. Wiseguy’s also offers a fantastic tap and bottled beer selection.
I almost forgot to mention my favorite part of Wiseguy’s. The game room. Wanna talk about some adult shit with your friends but one of them was duped into having a kid? Send that kid to the game room. Pizza taking forever and your friends suck? GAME ROOM. There’s pinball, one of those “win every time” candy prize machines, I believe some sort of shooter type game, and my personal favorite, the old school arcade machine that gives you your choice of 30 some games for a quarter. You know who isn’t as good at Mappy Land as they remember being? This guy.

The Bad: Not much. Overall, it was a really good experience. Wiseguy’s menu looks great, the pizza was good, and the waitress extremely friendly. They ran out of Sam Adams while I was there. My bad, though, not theirs.

Try: I suggest trying the Pak’r Bak’r. it’s different but goddamn delicious. I really think you can’t go wrong with any of the gourmet pizzas. Even if you don’t get the Pak’r Bak’r try sauerkraut on your pizza.

Rating: Like having firecrackers at a college basement party