The pizza is as adventurous as the exterior.

The concept of South Milwaukee is an odd one. When first hired to write for a South Milwaukee-based company, I was under the impression South Milwaukee was located in the Southern portion of Milwaukee. I could not have been more wrong.

Past Milwaukee, through portions of two additional cities (Cudahy and Oak Creek) and approximately one world away, sits … well, more slouches … the City of South Milwaukee. Here, pasty gangstas and juggalos roam the streets unimpeded. Here, establishments like “Buck & Cherryl’s” and “Snarley’s” prove preferred locales to blow one’s disability check on gambling machines and NASCAR brackets. I’ve never seen a pretty girl in South Milwaukee, save for some butterfaced mom who couldn’t of been more than 17. And even that was a reach.

Also here, places like Papa Luigi’s II serve this unappealing cast of poorly-drawn characters pizza that’s perfectly fitting of the surrounding.

One night, my boss took our office out for dinner. We went to the nearby building, and expecting something way shitty (being in South Milwaukee after all), I was surprised when my dining experience wasn’t entirely gross and terrible… but, instead, a mixture of confusing, overtly formal, and kind of a let down — in addition to being gross and terrible. Upon entering, the owner introduced himself to us, then proceeded to ask each of us our goddamn life stories before seating us. Lame.

THE GOOD: Even for being in the confines of Shit Milwaukee (see what I did there? I substituted the word “Shit” instead of “South” just now. Because it’s a rather unsavory place.), you can’t fault Papa Luigi’s II or its talkative-ass owner for trying to be awesome. They totally try. The restaurant has a pretty tits game room with air hockey, billiards and even that Cruisin’ USA game. There’s a bowling alley upstairs, a full bar, a basketball court, and a banquet hall that’s rented out for retarded local MMA events and probably receptions for shotgun weddings between expecting tweens. In a different city, in a different world, at a different time or with a lower level of self respect for yours truly, this place would have all the ingredients of not absolutely sucking liquid shit through a crazy straw with its lameness. Even so, I have no doubt this is the single coolest place in Milwaukee (where meth isn’t being made).

THE BAD: Somehow, with all the accoutrements of a poor man’s Shakey’s and being the type of joint that would’ve probably caused the 12-year-old T. Mario to skeet his Lee Pipes jorts, Papa Luigi’s II still managed to fucking huff a bindle (that’s the bag on a stick thing that old fashioned hobos used to carry) of HPV-infected cocks. Like South Milwaukee compared to Cool Milwaukee (also sometimes referred to as “Milwaukee”), Papa Luigi’s II just seemed a bit off. Out of order games, douche bags running amok and getting in my way everywhere, and the echo of basketballs being dribbled on the court (inexplicably placed on the upper level) each played a part in ruining a good concept.

Getting to the ‘za: It was your basic pizza, except it was bland as shit and served on crust that seemed like wet cardboard. But for being free pizza, it did the job. And the big shot owner even sprung for a free order of fried zucchini sticks, which was almost worth an eight the cost of hearing about his renovations of the business. The sticks were also blah.

TRY: Have you ever played cutthroat? It’s pool for three people. While you’re waiting for your soggy and forgettable pizza between Lord of the Rings-length owner tales of how old the wood in the back room is, play some cutthroat. It’s totally badass. 

RATING: Milwaukee = 2.7, South Milwaukee = The best place ever.

DeRango’s Pizzeria is located in South Milwaukee. You would think you’re going to the south side of Milwaukee but you’re actually several towns away from Milwaukee. That’s how this town has tricked people into visiting it’s Detroit like existence for decades. Have you ever been to South Milwaukee? Can you name anything that’s in South Milwaukee besides DeRango’s Pizzeria? Probably not. As luck would kick me in the balls, I work in beautiful South Milwaukee. Since I am stuck there taking pictures of expensive baseball bats pretty much every day I decided to do some pizza research. Turns out this little town is full of pizza joints.

Since he’s native, I asked TJ, the “manager” of the 4-5 man operation I work at, where the best pizza in town is. He didn’t say DeRango’s but I decided to give it a go anyway. I checked their menu online. Oh wait. No I didn’t. They don’t have a website or even a menu online. I called them up, ordered a large pepperoni, and waited the 25 minutes to go pick it up.

Pizza Party

Upon walking into the little room that calls itself a pizzeria, I was greeted (actually, not greeted or even looked at) by 4 surly looking gentlemen arguing about programming the menu into their register. Where was the polite, sheepish, girl I spoke to on the phone? Was it one of these guys who were starting to freak me out a little? After about what felt like 20 minutes the girl opened a door with the pizza, I paid her, and got the crap out of there.

The Good: This pizza was a cheesy, greasy mess. In one word: delicious. It’s your typical small time pizza place’s pizza. Nothing strikingly fantastic about it but it is a solid ‘za overall. There is nothing that puts their pizza above the rest. Everything was exactly as I expected. DeRango’s cuts their pizza into squares, which I also respect. Would I eat DeRango’s pizza again? Definitely. And here’s why.
With every pizza you get from DeRango’s they give you a little pizza slice magnet. When you collect 8 of these bad boys you can bring them into the pizzeria and get an entire pizza for free. FREE. Sounds pretty fucking great to me.

The Bad: Looking for a night out on the town with fam? Wanna take the kids out for pizza? Go somewhere else, pal, there’s no seating here. Similar to drunken Ronnie’s 3 am east side favorite, Zayna’s, DeRango’s pizzeria is carryout or delivery only. That doesn’t sound like much of a pizzeria to me, but what do I know? I’m just a doctor. The weird dudes also freaked me out a little but I feel like that was a one time deal.

Try: Saving up those goddamn magnets. Their friday fish fry is highly recommended, as well (but not by me so don’t complain here if it sucks).

While I was double checking some facts from reliable sources I was informed that they actually do have a website. www.smderangospizza.com
 

Also Try: Getting any info about DeRango’s off that website.

Rating: The 2005 Milwaukee Brewers