We should maybe stop stealing pics eventually.

There’s an old adage that goes something like, “Use it, or lose it.” 

That statement is not only applicable to weightlifting and the male penis, but also to one’s proximity to quality late night pizza joints in the Fox Cities. When drinking on College Avenue in Appleton, Sal’s Pizza should be used.

Located in the shadow of Anduzzi’s, and directly across from Wet — that shitty night club where Nick Barnett pushed down some lady — its location leaves something to be desired. A frame of reference for those not familiar with the Fox Valley: It’s smack dab in the Appleton equal of Milwaukee’s Water Street between Juneau and Kilborn, the Madison equivalent of wherever that bar is where that wheelchair-bound little person trolls for fresh dick, the Eau Claire version of … Eau Claire. 

But despite the shitshow surrounding Sal’s, the pizza is worth stumbling the gauntlet of pavement puke, off key street performers, and Appleton Police after last call. 

The menu at Sal’s is about as original as the name “Sal’s” is for a pizza parlor. The tiny restaurant specializes in pizza by the slice, and features all the favorites: From pepperoni to spinach and feta to Margarita. If you’ve seen it at Sabarro’s, Sal’s not only has it, Sal’s makes it better.

Additionally, they serve these greasy ass Italian biscuits with each slice. That’s it. Pizza and bread Jr. You want spaghetti and a side salad? Well, fuck right off and get you ass to Victoria’s.

THE GOOD: The pizza/the price. Sal’s, if nothing else, knows its demographic — Lazy stoners who work at Jimmy John’s that are sick of eating subs every Goddamn day, and Plump Drunk Love(s) like myself who seek a slice of salvation following another night of gin, dance offs and not getting their dick wet. The pizza is ready immediately and is fairly-portioned, while delightfully greasy. The cheese is abundant, the sauce conveys a salty and pepper-flecked symphony of flavor, and it can be had for none more than $4. Cheese is something like $2.40/slice. I’d look the price up, but…

THE BAD: … there’s no fucking Web site. You know your business model is messed up when it’s after 1995 and you haven’t allocated $50 to get a Web site hosted for your business. As I write this, there are currently more Web sites on the Internet that are critical of Sal’s Pizza’s lack of a Web site than there are actual Web sites for the Appleton Sal’s Pizza. 

Also (and maybe this changed since I moved), most of the people working there during my visits acted like total dicksuckers to customers. I can see that flying after midnight, but try not to have your fucking period right at the counter during the four-person lunch “rush” if my dad asks for a red pepper shaker that’s directly behind you. Things could be worse, miss. For example: You could be trying to find information on Sal’s online.

TRY: Spinach and Feta. Spinach is healthy, it makes your muscles big and enables cartoons of things like speeding locomotives and kicking stallions to appear on your since-enlarged bicep. Feta is the reigning Guiness Book of World Records record holder in the category of best cheese ever. Put them together in pizza form, charge $3.25 for it and BONERS UP, BOYS AND GIRLS!

RATING: I’m seriously thinking about hiring Dr. Ronnie to make a Web site for Sal’s Pizza that I’ll then host myself. I’d only ask for two free slices and a small fountain soda in return.