The best pizza place in Oshkosh, which is like saying you’re the smartest person from Arkansas, is Dr. Benzie’s, a place located in what looks like an old dentist’s office on Main Street, far off the strip where the other UW-Oshkosh educated Doctors tried to catch Chlamydia. Which explains why none of them have heard of Benzie’s, and why it burns when Benji Mane pees.

But at any rate, Dr. Benzie’s was formed in a long-ago split between whoever started Ratch & Deb’s and the titular Dr. Benzie, who switched to thin crust while Ratch and Deb stayed with the thick. (It’s not like there’s a Wikipedia for the interpersonal relationships of pizza creators in a city of 60,000, so I am basing this on a half-remembered story I last heard about 15 years ago—I am a professor of research, after all). Before I begin the next part, can I mention how detestable it is to equate pizza making to healing people by posing as a doctor on your menus? I mean, only real doctors with real names and real degrees should be able to call themselves doctors.

The Good: Dr. Benzie’s specialty, apart from sounding like it sells Benzedrine pills, is its thin crust concoctions, its slightly spicy sauce, and it’s natural cheese. It’s a deceptively filling pie; at first they look like something you could mow down in 15 minutes, but the cheese and toppings are more filling than similar thin crust jams. They also boast a robust menu of non-pizza items, finally making it possible to have a sausage, cheese curd, chicken finger and French fry pizza.

The Bad: The pepperoni looks and tastes more like it was created for Kibbles and Bits than any pizza, and the non-pizza items can be soggy when delivered, since they employ like one driver who must make every delivery for the night at once. It’s worth noting I’ve never actually eaten inside of Benzie’s, so I can’t speak to the quality of the restaurant, which I imagine is sketchy. Or not. I prefer to eat Benzie’s in my jammies.

Try: A large sausage, with a side of Benzie’s excellent cheese curds. That’s what she said.

Rating: Somewhere between Dr. Dre, Dr. Octopus and the chorus of the Motley Crue song “Doctor Love.”

http://www.wiseguysappleton.com

When I’m in Appleton, WI I mainly like to do three things. First on my list is leave. My second favorite time killer is seeing how drunk I can get before getting my ass kicked or ending up in the Appleton Police Department’s holding cell. This has provided me many years of entertainment. My other favorite thing to do is eat pizza. With gems such as Stuc’s and Frank’s (plus Cranky Pat’s just a little bit south) you really can’t go wrong. When I visited Appleton most recently my friend and Appleton local, David Joseph Kiley, got me hip to a new joint. Wiseguys Pizzeria & Pub.

Dave, his girlfriend Toni, and myself visited Wiseguys the day after Thanksgiving. I had woken Dave up at 1 PM by busting through his front door and demanding beer (which I got). Dave has a real knack for having girlfriends who complain so almost immediately Toni started whining about how hungry she was. After a good thirty minutes of them bickering about which place to eat I decided for us.

Wiseguy’s Pizzeria is located in a newly built strip mall on the south side of Appleton. I, actually, consider this part of town Menasha but I’m not 100% clear on town borders. There are a few options for seating areas at Wiseguys: the bar area, the dining room, and out front. The dining room is pretty large with booths and tables. The bar area has a few hightop tables and, of course, seating at the bar. We sat on the bar side. Our waitress came with the menus, took our orders (Sam Adams Winter Lager for me), and gave us some time to peruse the menu. They have sandwiches, burgers, appetizers, and even grilled cheese for kids. They call the salad section “Leaves” and the soup section “Liquid.” Kind of weird.

I flipped my menu over and saw one of the most impressive specialty pizza sections I’ve ever seen. Sure, it has some of your regulars. The Mexican pizza, the BBQ Chicken, the Hawaiian, etc. Then you see things such as The Kuester (mild sauce, mozzarella, monterey jack, provolone, crumbled blue cheese, crumbled bacon, fresh basil, parmesan, and roasted garlic). Are you kidding me? Amazing. The Italian Beef pizza piqued my curiosity but the Pak’r Bak’r really did it for me. I mean, what would Aaron Rodgers think if I didn’t order this pizza?

The Pak’r Bak’r has Wiseguy’s special mustard sauce, mozzarella, sauerkraut, and bratwurst. Not being the biggest fan of mustard I asked about the special mustard sauce. It’s a mix of yellow mustard and a spicy brown and was told it’s better enjoyed with extra sauce. I was hesitant but sold. Order placed.

The hand tossed crust was thicker than your typical hand tossed. The mustard sauce was really subtle except near the edge of the crust where it became very prevalent. The bratwurst and sauerkraut were delicious. I’ve had sauerkraut on pizza before and I highly suggest trying it.

The Good: The pizza selection. There is a large spread of “Gourmet Pizzas” and, just like the Adam & Eve catalog (not linking that one…), there is bound to be something for everyone’s taste. Wiseguy’s also offers a fantastic tap and bottled beer selection.
I almost forgot to mention my favorite part of Wiseguy’s. The game room. Wanna talk about some adult shit with your friends but one of them was duped into having a kid? Send that kid to the game room. Pizza taking forever and your friends suck? GAME ROOM. There’s pinball, one of those “win every time” candy prize machines, I believe some sort of shooter type game, and my personal favorite, the old school arcade machine that gives you your choice of 30 some games for a quarter. You know who isn’t as good at Mappy Land as they remember being? This guy.

The Bad: Not much. Overall, it was a really good experience. Wiseguy’s menu looks great, the pizza was good, and the waitress extremely friendly. They ran out of Sam Adams while I was there. My bad, though, not theirs.

Try: I suggest trying the Pak’r Bak’r. it’s different but goddamn delicious. I really think you can’t go wrong with any of the gourmet pizzas. Even if you don’t get the Pak’r Bak’r try sauerkraut on your pizza.

Rating: Like having firecrackers at a college basement party

The Pub doesn’t just serve pizza; they also feature a full bar and the menu features a variety of burgers, sandwiches and fish dinners. There’s also a game room in the back that always kept me entertained as a kid. But the pizza will definitely be the thing that will keep you coming back to this rustic establishment.

THE GOOD: They seriously load up their ‘zas here. I don’t know if I’ve ever been to another pizza joint that had as much cheese, sauce and toppings as the Village Pub. The crust is thin and crispy, but with thicker edges to allow a better hold. The sauce is pretty much perfect. They have a large banquet area that can be rented out for private events and a game room to occupy the kids after dinner.

Skee Ball not included.

THE BAD: The game room is not what it used to be. When I visited the V.P. last weekend I was disappointed to see that they no longer had skee ball. The above picture is one I found on the web, and I don’t remember there being foosball either. And I vaguely remember a pool table once upon a time, and that was definitely not there anymore. Also, due to the square slices, the middle ones can get a little messy since there are so many toppings and you don’t have an edge to hang on to. But it’s worth the mess, so that’s not really an issue.

TRY: If you’re a fan of garlic sauce pizzas, I’d recommend trying one of those, but you really can’t go wrong with any of the pizzas. After that, try finding something else to do in that small-ass town. There’s not much, so good luck with that.

I feel pretty lucky to have grown up with this as the only real pizza place in town (I think there is another one now). Maybe it’s a nostalgia thing for me, but everyone I’ve ever gone there with has agreed that the pizza was amazing. I know I’ll continue to stop in for some slices whenever I’m in town.

RATING: Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start

The magic was all in their sauce. If they told me it was made out of leprechauns and cocaine, I’d probably have said ‘Yeah, that makes sense.’ I continued coming back even after the time that my companion and I ate almost an entire pizza without plates (normally they give you these shortly after you order). For whatever reason, they just couldn’t find and keep competent waitstaff. But goddamn did they make some awesome pizza.

THE GOOD: THE SAUCE. Holy shit, is the sauce good. I don’t know if I’m willing to actually back this up, but I would probably eat just about anything if it was served with this sauce. They had a few really good vegetarian ‘zas, including my personal favorite, “The Popeye.” This delicious pizza featured cheese, spinach, feta and extra garlic. Even the shittiest of service couldn’t ruin this combination. That Fox NFL robot could be my waiter, but as long as it didn’t fuck up my pizza, I’d still leave a satisfied customer. I also vaguely remember them having some decent happy hour drink specials, and that’s always good.

THE BAD: The service at this place was notoriously bad; I’m fairly certain that’s why then ended up closing after a few years in Appleton. It was fairly common to have one of the waitstaff take your order and never see them again. An entirely different server (or sometimes a cook) would bring out your pizza. If you were lucky, you’d get plates and napkins and maybe a drink refill. Also, they removed “The Popeye” from the menu, leaving only one vegetarian specialty pizza (the Florentine, pictured above). Granted, you could still custom order a pie with the same toppings, but it ended up costing more that way.

TRY: Try not to crack your server in the skull with the first blunt object you can get your hands on. FUCK do they have some bad service. But seriously, their nachos are possibly the best ever, and make for a great appetizer if you’ve got a group of people. Also, probably try not to get too attached to any specific menu items. In the two or three years the Appleton location was open I think they changed their menu like 8 times or some shit.

While the Appleton location was plagued with terrible waitstaff, the magical (and possibly drug-laden) pizza kept me frequenting the place. Their website lists other Wisconsin locations in Eau Claire and Middleton, but I don’t really feel the need to go on a road trip just to find out if their service is any better. Although it almost certainly couldn’t get much worse than the shitfest that was the A-Town location.

RATING: RoboCop on a unicorn

Most of my encyclopedic illicit drug knowledge is based not on personal experience, but through Wu-Tang and Clipse albums and The Wire. Scratch that, all of my encyclopedic illicit drug knowledge is based not on personal experience, but through Wu-Tang and Clipse albums and The Wire. However, over my increasingly less productive 23 years, I’ve readily ingested one addictive substance with the reckless abandon reserved for coke fiends: the sauce at Stuc’s in Appleton.

See, the sauce (and by extension, the pizza) at Stuc’s is like my grade-A blast of heroin, and every other pizza is a weak shit substitute that’s been stepped on with a large amount of baking soda. Frozen pizzas? Those might as well be skunkweed compared to Stuc’s. Pizza pockets? I’d get a better high from mouthwash (if I keep stretching this metaphor).

And like any good drug addict, I can chart the moment I hit rock bottom on my endless chase of the perfect high: it was the fall of 2006, when I purposefully went to Appleton (a 30 minute drive) just to get a pizza, and had to stop in Neenah on my way back home just to stick my finger in the sauce and get a taste. It was pitiful. But unlike a recovered junky, I have no shame. That shit is delicious, and I’ll do about anything to get some, because Stuc’s is on another level when it comes to this here pizza shit, creating unsustainably excellent pizzas that will make you weep as you eat them; you will cry for the fact that it is so delicious while crying for the fact that the more you eat now, the less there is to eat later.

The Good: Stuc’s, which is located on College Avenue near the aqueduct, is like a pizza Mecca, where the styles of New York and Chicago morph together to kill appetites dead. The Chicago style is the main attraction, with crust that had to have been created by an all-powerful deity I didn’t believe in until I ate at Stuc’s, roughly 48 ounces of sauce, sausage cut right off a live pig, and whatever else you want on there. The New York style is a bit a thick to be true New York style—the slice is impossible to bend due to the insane amount of cheese—but it too is basically unfuckwithable.

The Bad: Apart from the price—which is totally worth it—there’s not much downside to Stuc’s. The eating-in option is kind of weak, since it’s basically like eating in someone’s basement (all concrete and cheap furniture). Their slogan, “The Good Mood Food,” is kind of bizarre, since it doesn’t rhyme (unless you have a speech impediment) and seems like it was written by the Post Crescent’s copy editors (which is mean as a negative). And I guess it doesn’t have a lame-ass history involving two old guys who broke up and splintered their pizza empires into two franchises that sell you Jack’s frozen pizzas at way too expensive prices. So that puts it behind Frank’s and Cranky Pat’s in Appleton pizza notoriety.

Try: Honestly, if it comes out of the ovens at Stuc’s, I’d gladly put it in my mouth hole. The Chicago style is my favorite pizza of all time, which is saying something, since I essentially went to New York solely to eat pizza in 2004, and ate it for three meals a day for a week, and didn’t find anything better than Stuc’s. I realize this review is pretty weak, but seriously, I can’t even think of halfway coherent things to say about this stuff that doesn’t sound perverted, and I am seriously considering just giving up and posting a YouTube video of me mowing down a large Chicago style, giggling like a loon like those assholes in all the salvia videos on YouTube. Trust; this shit is the best.

Rating: How can you rate a blue sky? A child’s smile? Or a Stuc’s pizza? You can’t. They transcend ratings.

To give you a better idea of what I mean, have you ever seen the movie Uncle Buck? Well, you know that bitchy daughter who, beneath her cuntish reaction to her family leaving Indianapolis, you realized was going to be totally hot eventually? (She’s older than me, so it’s cool). Well, that same girl, who – all grown up - you now squeeze off to when watching Yes, Dear on days your Internet connection is slow at 2 p.m., is Cheyenne’s pizza in this simile. The decaying parking ramp, drifters and ever-present road construction surrounding Cheyenne’s is like the mom in Uncle Buck. What a unfortunate looking woman she was. Seriously, I’d rather bang John Candy… now.

Anyway, back to Cheyenne’s…

 THE GOOD: Specialty pizzas. Like most traditional sports bars, Cheyenne’s has your usual bar food — nachos, sandwiches, an assortment of burgers and a Friday fish fry. That’s all well and fine, but the pizzas are the cat’s molasses (that’s the term, right?). They’re thin crust square slices of Utopia, heaping with toppings and gooey cheese. They even say their pizza is “Rated #1″… but they provide no attribution to that rating, so I’m not inclined to believe that. As a writer for the Midwest’s #1 Rated Web site, I can’t trust just any claim.

THE BAD: The prices. For what you pay ($9.95 – $17.95, additional toppings $1/each), the portions are generous enough, but figuring you’re at a bar, you’ll want a few drinks while you wait. Suddenly, a somewhat better version of a delivery Za has turned into a $50 tab… if not more. I suppose you could take it out or just have water or soda, but is that possible when you’re going to a bar? Not in Wisconsin. Plus, they use canned mushrooms instead of fresh. That’s as unnatural as putting an Uncle Buck reference in a pizza review.

TRY: [Meat] — “The Works” is a shitload of sausage, pepperoni, green peppers, onions and black olives. It’s the kind of pizza a man could write a sonnet to. [Meatless] — “Vegetarian” also kicks total ass. It’s The Works minus the meat.

RATING: Beating Mario 3 meets waking up to a (sub-par) HJ.

Muncheez Pizza LLC perfectly exemplifies the term “hole in the wall”, not only because there are actually holes in their wall, but because it seems like a place more likely to give you scabies than a good meal. But for the Fox Cities residents that have managed to vanquish their preconceptions of  the unfortunate-looking business, there exists a unique, affordable and delicious gem in the Appleton pizza scene.

It took me a while to make my way to Muncheez. Despite the, always cool, implementation of a Z instead of an S in its name, I found it difficult to bring myself to a run-down looking structure painted in the off-putting hue of dragon splooge. Moreover, the College Avenue business is just blocks from legendary Italian restaurants Frank’s Pizza and Victoria’s. But once I sacked up and gave Muncheez a chance, I was glad I did.

Once inside, it’s – in many ways – your average local pizza joint. They carry the standard toppings, greasy sides and normal pizza alternatives like subs, salads and wings. Having made the standard single-topping pizza a mainstay, they do it right. But where they really shine is with their specialty pizza.

THE GOOD: A specialty pizza. I’ll admit that I haven’t had most of them, but with choices like: “The Muncheezburger”, “Chicken Bacon Ranch”, and “Mexican Munchfest” – I … uh, I … what was I saying again? I think I started to trail off at “Mexican Munchfest.” In short, Muncheez goes all out in their 14 specialties, and include diverse toppings such as re-fried beans, Mandarin oranges, BBQ sauce, jalapenos and broccoli. Try one. Plus, they’re open until 3 a.m. every day.

THE BAD: Not much, honestly. If you can get past a place looking like it will inflict an unforgiving wave of food poisoning and diarrhea on you by simply stepping through its doorway, you’ll be happy you came.

Total Dick4.

TRY: Eating there when John Gard isn’t there to bring his politics all up in your shit while you want to fucking eat a Goddam jalapeno pizza in peace. If you’re fortunate enough to dine in without this assclown pandering for your vote (I wasn’t so lucky in one of my last trips), you’ll probably enjoy it. If you’re not so lucky, kick this stooge in the scrotum for me.

RATING: Like a 69 of Pizza 3.14.

As a college student, I was one of the Oshkosh location’s inaugural cooks. It was a fun enough college job, and I worked with a group of great people. But I was also laid off during the holidays and routinely sent home an hour into my shift to save a few bucks; I reeked of oregano after every work day; I was scheduled to cook for Town Motel prostitutes and tactless frat rejects on the weekend night shift (6 p.m. to 4 a.m.) when I could’ve otherwise been getting shitfaced or having unprotected sex with my pro-choice then-girlfriend.

I was eventually fired from my $7.00/hr job at Cranky’s a scheduling oversight, thus ending a smelly, often frustrating, but unforgettable period of my life. I wouldn’t do it again, but I’m happy I worked there both for the memories it provided and – more so – for the opportunity to regularly stuff myself on the Fox Valley’s best pizza.

In 1955, Pat Earle and then-friend Frank Pierri brought pizza to downtown Appleton from Chicago, opening Frank & Pat’s. The duo was rumored to have a nasty falling out, prompting Earle to later open Cranky Pat’s in Neenah.

Though both Earle and Pierri have since died, their thin crust take on Chicago ‘Za continues to dole out boners and sopping wet panties to Northeast Wisconsinites to this very day. They shred the cheese and make the sausage in a shed behind the Neenah location, and cook the pizzas in an archaic – yet high quality oven that’s stood in the location from the very beginning.

Though most of the menu items have gone unchanged, Cranky Pat’s has adapted to the times. In fact, the Neenah location’s bar room is one of the premiere (and only) stages in the area to catch both local and touring acts. Locations have also popped up in Oshkosh and Neenah in recent years. 

THE GOOD: The sauce. I’m inclined to believe that if one were to pinprick a Saint and taste its blood, its taste would resemble that of Crank’s sauce. It’s delightfully salty and dominates the pie. The fresh mushrooms are incredible too. 

THE BAD: The price. If nothing else, I was fortunate to have worked at Cranky’s in college because I would’ve rarely been able to pay for it otherwise. It’s expensive as fuck, ranging from $11 (for a small cheese) to $26 (for a large Pat’s Special). You get what you pay for, but with pizza even half as good available for 75 percent of the price, it might not be something you’ll be willing to pay too often. And to obtain a frozen pizza (available at area grocers), you’ll need to mortgage your home or sell your first born into indentured servitude.

TRY: The midnight buffet and the Cranky Sticks. Avoid the late night Perkins crowd with Cranky’s pizza buffet (Thurs-Sat). A mere $8 for all you can eat pizza is well worth it, plus – unlike at Perkins or George Webb – you can get booze with your meal, while supporting a time-honored local legend.

RATING: My prolonged exposure might make me biased, but food alone, Cranky Pat’s get our highest (and first) rating yet – 12 Thumbs Up!