Now 50 percent more similar.

So seldom is the world impacted by a truly great change — things like democracy, women’s suffrage, and the Slap Chop. 

More often, a minimal and altogether futile change is brought about, and no real impact is brought to our planet nor anyone residing on it. This is evidenced by an unattractive woman getting highlights put in her hair, a guy going to the gym once a month, and — most recently — Domino’s Pizza COMPLETELY RE-INVENTING ITSELF! 

For those not in the know, Domino’s is a little mom and pop pizza operation. It has played an integral role in my fatass youth by being a welcomed component in such otherwise-shitty events as church lock-ins, Cub Scout meetings, elementary school pizza parties and interventions. My mom usually bought Pizza Pit — so the rare times I got pizza good enough to have commercials where the actors had no discernable regional dialect, I was pitching a Lee Pipes tent.

For my money, I now prefer a unique experience at a local pizzeria over any national chain, but I recently relented to Domino’s claims of an alleged overhaul and decided to give it a try — if only to review it.

THE GOOD: I’m not one of those people who takes up an allegiance with Pizza Hut and declares that Papa John’s is the bane of my existence. All the successful national pizza chains (and Little Caesar’s) have collectively standardized the pizza into an over-cheesed and spiced orb of test-market-approved ingredients. Sure, slight differences exist, but in all, you’re getting a pedestrian pie approved by the populace. Domino’s is no different.

Processed as it is, it’s always been good. But usually anything greasy that’s been molested by fake mozzarella and affable sauce does the trick. Yeah, I still ate eight pieces, then four the next morning… want to fight about it?

To be avoided.

THE BAD: Despite all the company’s drastic changes, the pizza tastes almost exactly the same. So they brushed the crust with butter and put garlic salt on it; do you think that will make me forget about “The Noid” ad campaign? As fucking if! And judging by both the new commercial AND my taste buds, the sauce was painstakingly re-fashioned by adding 16 flecks of oregano to each heaping pot.

The pizza remains ever-edible as always, but where I would’ve usually been somewhat satisfied with Domino’s, I was pretty much just pissed off that I was eating the same old Domino’s again when I could have been eating at Pizza Man — which is now burned to shit.

TRY: The new Domino’s Pizza recipe. If you like the old Domino’s, you’ll love the new Domino’s… because it’s the same thing, only newer and identical. Long story short, if you’re telling people you’re changing, you better go ahead and change: Make all the drivers get an earring, become “The Official Pizza of Porn Scenes Where a Delivery Man is Seduced by a Horny Customer” or launch an implicitly-racist national ad campaign. Anything! Better yet, change the pizza.

RATING: The Office’s clip episode.