Though I, myself, am a Godless heathen, I feel I have a strange connection to Jewish people. I went to prom with a Jewish girl, my best friend on my college dorm floor freshman year happened to be Brew, and one of my best friends/former roommates comes from a Jewish background. 

Show me your latkes!

Moreover, I’m borderline obsessed with Stella, which is comprised entirely of Jewish comedians. I also find myself immensely attracted to Lisa Edelstein, from that lame show House. I even, sadly, own four Neil Diamond albums. All those factors paired with my prize-winning personality has resulted in me attending a Hanukkah meal or two in my time.

In honor of my Jewish friends and DoZ readers, and to gear up for another Hanukkah meal I’m to attend tonight, I thought I’d throw on my writing yamaka and schlep over to the grocery store and review Bagel Bites.

THE GOOD: For those who don’t know, Bagel Bites is the miniaturized infusion of two American food favorites — pizza and bagels. Kids love these things… or at least the fat adolescent lunchbox that was young T. Mario went ape shit for Bagel Bites. My parents rarely bought them (or fruit snacks… WHAT GIVES, MOM?!?) but when they did, I ate these things like they were going out of style. Though I’m pretty sure they were never in style. 

Though they’re kind of a bitch to prepare, and the boxes of nine sold at most markets aren’t nearly enough to satiate the fat 25-year-old lunchbox that is present day T. Mario — the size of the bagel, the amount of sauce and the spread of the toppings is perfectly measured. You know that one absolutely money bite of each pizza slice? It’s the one where the crust is crispy but aware of its place on the ‘Za hierarchy, you get a little bit of each topping held together by an unimpeded blanket of cheese, and your mouth gets absolutely douched by zesty sauce. That’s what every Bagel Bite is like.

THE BAD: 

Fuck this song in its eye with a piece of cold rebar. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Plus, if you ever microwave the things, they have the texture of a leathery ballsack. Never microwave Bagel Bites. I believe it was Plato who said that.

TRY: Get Extreme Nacho flavored Bagel Bites if you’re fortunate enough to find them. They’re only sold in Canada, so good luck tracking those down. It seems like Canada has everything awesome that we don’t: Rush, National Health Care, Sarah Chalke, a peaceful and polite demeanor and, now, Extreme Nacho pizza bagels. I hope we go to war with Canada when if our current war ends, those lucky pieces of shit.

RATING: Before today, I hadn’t had Bagel Bites in over a decade. I loved them then, I still love them now. In terms of a pre-Hanukkah party snack, Bagel Bites Torah me a new one. Truly, the Lisa Edelstein of pizza-like frozen foods.