But when I heard Get Rad’s masterpiece “Drug of Choice”, I understood. Spanning just over a minute, it wasted no time striking a chord deep within me. It’s nothing short of scripture. I’d like to share it with you.

“Drug of Choice” by Get Rad:

“Every little bite I savor in my mouth makes it easy to forget about the times when I said no to cheese,

Now all I think is ‘give it to me’,

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time,

Pizza is my favorite food. Crack is wack but pizza’s good,

It’s motherfuckin’ pizza time!

I can’t find any relevant “Drug of Choice” audio or video clips to post. But it’s nothing short of the best pizza-related song ever. Dean Martin, God rest his soul, and his “That’s Amore” song can eat a bag of dicks compared to “Drug of Choice.”

Go to the show, get the record and live each day like it’s “motherfuckin’ pizza time!”

Think about some of the most significant movies to ever come out of Hollywood and it becomes clear that one common thread ties them all together: The indisputable cinematic importance of pizza. Sure, everyone can pinpoint the classics like the unforgettable French bread pizza scene in Gone with the Wind, Brando’s timeless deep-dish pizza monologue at the end of On The Waterfront, and that part in Bad Lieutenant where Harvey Keitel whacks off on some chick’s car and then gets a slice. But pizza has permeated so many levels of the film industry that DoZ is setting out to finally get pizza all the credit it deserves by examining some of the most pivotal pizza scenes ever created.

Home Alone (1990, PG)

This holiday blockbuster plants our hero, Kevin McCallister, right in the middle of the titular predicament. The plot would have you believe that his bad attitude is to blame for his being left out of the family trip to France. But really it was that dickhole Buzz’s fault. After no one bothered to save any plain cheese for Kevin, Buzz very rudely suggests someone is going to have to “barf it up” if Kevin is to get any. This, of course, leads to Kevin charging at Buzz, milk being spilled on the plane tickets, and one ticket being thrown away. What’s the lesson here? Hog all the plain cheese and the Wet Bandits will attack an unattended child.

She’s All That (1999, PG-13)

Apologies for the long-ass clip, but I’ll include time marks for the most crucial sections. In this Cinderella story, Laney Boggs and her chode brother Simon are the biggest losers in school until taken under the wing (albeit for alternative motives) of senior class king Zack Siler. Here, Zack proves his worthiness by defending an unexplainably rollerblading and pepper-dispensing Simon from the Sherminator and an unnamed Vietnam vet, who intend to have him eat pizza with pubic hair on it. First, the Sherminator digs deep into his huge raver pants for a handful of pubes (3:19) and moments later he’s humiliated as the coolest kid in school forces him to “Hoover it,” complete with monster close-up (4:33). Even the shittiest pizza doesn’t deserve pube toppings, but if you had to, would you rather eat a famous person’s pubes or your own?

Cobra (1986, R)
 

Without a clip, you’ll have to take my word for it and settle for this really nice music video. But as you can see, Cobra uncoils a gritty cop narrative about Marion Cobretti, a one-man justice machine whose vigilante ways draws constant criticism from his superiors. In one of the most baffling scenes, Cobretti sits down to clean his gun and scarf a slice of leftover ‘za. But before he can eat it, he has to snip the tip off with a pair of office scissors. Some people would say that circumcising your pizza is a waste of time, but this just serves to further prove that Cobra is his own man and he’ll do things however he sees fit, no matter what those pencil pushers down at the precinct think of him or how much of a dipshit it makes him look like.

In the past, I’ve deconstructed a Jonas Brothers video, and posted a list of decent pizza clips during times when the site’s activity was down … or when I didn’t foresee eating at a new pizza place in the near future. Today is no different. I happened upon this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tribute clip that uses the song “Pizza Power” as background music.

Previously being known as a cold-blooded species with a, like, 200-year life span, who’s slow ass beat some dickhead rabbit in a race one time — the fictional addition of toxic waste to the boring-ass testudines (of the reptilia class) proved all the difference in making one of the nerdiest animals in Mother Nature’s womb into a lovably badass marketing monsoon.

Being a 25-year-old Midwestern dude, I grew up in the heyday of turtles. And I bought into the hype. My Turtle love prompted my parents to waste much of their meger astronaut and first female senator of Wisconsin salaries on plastic (probably lead-based paint) toys. I saw all the movies; my ratty, likely rectangular lunchroom pizza-stained, sweatpants probably routinely tightened at the thought of both the animated and motion picture April O’Neal; I wasted countless report card tokens at my local Shakey’s in effort to beat the Turtles arcade game; I even forgave the show’s creators for making me acknowledge famous painters, when all I wanted to do was kick some ass and spew out already-tired buzzwords.

Looking back at TMNT through this clip, I wonder how I could ever let myself get this involved in something so half-baked and nonsensical. I can’t deny that this franchise played at least a part in the person I am today — which is probably why I’m a complete loser. Appreciate it as I did, looking at it now, I’m left with more questions and criticisms about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles than I am nostalgic appreciation of it. Among them:

• Why are they so ripped? Beyond drinking Blatz sometimes and standing too close to microwave when I’m really hungry, I don’t have much experience subjecting my body to harsh toxins. But I seriously doubt toxic waste’s only impact on a creature would be giving its shell a six-pack and pecs that would make Andre the Giant blush, along with the ability speak, move quickly and grow to a human height. Compared to the turtles, the real-life humans who’ve been exposed to similar chemicals got the short end of super power stick… unless you think thyroid cancer and chromosomal abbreviation would be especially useful in defeating Shredder. 

• Raphael is the best turtle. Fact. Everybody I knew loved Leonardo or Michelangelo. I never got why. Sure, Leo was the best fighter and had the best weaponry, but he was a know-it-all dick who just bossed around the other turtles. He was flawless, which gets annoying to watch when you’re a fat 8-year-old with a stupid haircut and constantly chapped lips. And yeah, Michelangelo was the coolest turtle with his So-Cal dialect, his laid back demeanor  and his undying love for pizza. But I’m pretty sure he was legally retarded too. He’s like the Matt Dillon of mutated reptiles. 

Donatello was a straight up doucher (“I like inventing awesome shit and analysing things to no end, but choose to use a glorified STICK as my weapon of choice.”), but Raphael was the perfect balance of each turtle. He was the funniest, not the worst in battle, witty as hell and had a badittude like no other.

I’d like to think if they did a Turtles Go To College series, Raph would sink a shit-ton of pink and get drunk on the reg, Michelangelo would flunk out one semester in, Leo would die during a frat hazing ritual and Donatello would  transfer to a better school after getting his generals out of the way.

Hmm... it seems like more chicks should dig me.

• April O’Neil… not very hot. I know that redheads with berthing hips are a relative rarity, but what’s with that haircut? Not to mention that dehydrated-piss yellow jumpsuit she always wore. Is she do-able? Fucking A, she is… but I don’t know if her ass is worth saving 200 times in the series. However, I have to say, I appreciate her stance on eating out.

The trenchcoats never worked as a disguise. A 4-foot-tall turtle donning an open trench coat and a fidora makes the cliched two people in a horse costume seem like a passable disguise by comparison. Your skin is still green and largely exposed, turtles! At least get a fake beard of something.

What’s with the pizza? The “Pizza Power” video above fittingly shows the mutated teen turtles scarfing down an assload of Za. I’ve never seen pizza that 1. Is stackable, 2. Has only one pepperoni or piece of sausage per slice, 3. Has cheese so abundant and stringy… it looks like caulk with 100 fat grams, 4. Could be thrown like a Frisbee or rapidly spun without flying the fuck apart. 

Plus, no matter how physically taxing the ninja lifestyle may be, eating pizza for every meal (especially such liberally cheesy pizza) would take a toll on the inexplicably buff turtle exteriors. I eat pizza like once a week and I have a flat tire and 1.5 chins. TMNT lied to me! Who would’ve ever expected a fictional television series that depicted chemically-contaminated talking turtles as ninjas with insanely high metabolism levels might have a few inaccuracies? 

Turtle Power? I’m beginning to doubt it.

Oh. You have? Well, fuck it, pizza is still better. As I prepare my gunt for a Fox Cities pizza-eating marathon this Thanksgiving weekend, I’m taking a temporary step back from reviews this week to, instead, post some of the kind-of funny, moderately entertaining and/or semi-sing-along-able pizza-related videos on the Web to tide you over during this short week.

World’s Best Pizza Tossing Trick

I mean, I’ve done that before… but it’s cool to see what it looks like to the observer. Man, Drowning Pool huffs dong. Hat tip to my dad for this one.

Stella – “Pizza”

I love Stella, and this is my favorite short. Their “Pizza” seemlessly blends pizza, anal sex, attempted suicide and “the farts” to form five minutes of comedic gold.
“So how was the assfucking?”
“I thought it hurt a lot. She cut me right in half.”

24” Pizza Pie Slice in 18 Seconds

He stole my makeout technique and applied it to pizza eating. Genius!

Very HOT Pizza

Funny idea. Imagine if both chicks were actually attractive.

MadTV – “Pizza Hut Twisted Crust Pizza Complete-za”

One of the few non-shitty MadTV efforts.
“Oh no you didn’t!” (domestic abuse). You can write shit like that!

Home Movies – “Pizza Club”

Home Movies had an entire episode about Brendon and Coach McGuirk starting rival pizza clubs. This is one of the better clips from said episode.

Red Sox Fan Gets Pizza Thrown at Him

An oldie, but a classic nonetheless. You know someone is pissed at you when they hurl a $10 slice of pizza your way. Awesome.

Let’s watch together and critique, shall we?
 

[After whistling and a short intro with no bass player in sight, the drummer manages to both sing AND play the simplest drum beat known to man]

“Love showed up at my door yesterday.”
You’re late. I’m not paying full price unless you throw in free crazy bread. Or your heart… baby.

[Meanwhile you'll notice either the Jonas Brothers have shrunken in size OR this pizza girl is a motherfucking GIANT of a woman. I've never seen this (in a Lit music video 11 years ago) before.] 

 ”It might sound cheesy…”
Ooooohhhh… cheesy? Pizza girl? I see what you did there.

“… but I wanted her to stay”
When I was in college, my roommate (DoZ contributor “St. Pizza”) devised a method for getting his pizza girl to stay. Step 1: Realize over weeks of Topper’s stick ordering that she’s a total pot head who hates her job/life. Step 2: Offer her beer. She’ll drink like four and write her number on the pizza box for you before stumbling out to do more deliveries. Lil Jonas should try that. Or tell her he’s a Jonas Brother. That should do the trick, unless she doesn’t have bad taste in music.

[At this point "Pizza Girl" uses her giant ladle to spread sauce on the crust. OH SHIT!!! Careful, bitch, the Jonas Bros are down there!]

“I fell in love with the pizza … girl”
This is where I get hung up. With the pause between “pizza” and “girl”, it seems like they’re saying “I fell in love with the pizza, girl.” Like they’re telling the girl they fell in love with the pizza. It might sound strange, but I constantly tell girls if and when I fall in love with pizzas I eat. 

But more than likely, they’re telling us — the unfortunate viewer — that they love this girl who tries to manslaughter them while making pizza. I guess they didn’t notice that she left much of the crust without sauce, and is now starting to put cheese on top. That’s a dealbreaker, ladies!

“Now I eat pizza every day.”
Nice! I tried that once and totally got a love-handle from it. Now I’m out of shape and need to take breaks during even the simplest tasks, like shitting or breathing. But you’re famous, so you can probably pull a Travolta and still be OK in the lady department… should you ever want to get those holier than thou dicks of yours wet, that is. 

[Shitty pizza girl drops a buttload of shredded cheese on the ugliest Jew-fro'ed Jonas. HE'S DEAD!!! Oh, wait... no he's not. Nuts.

Here come the olives. Meanwhile, she's smiling though all this. This is no accident. This is attempted murder. Prison won't be kind to an ass so fine.]

“I was stuck in a box for so long.”
Sweet. That brings me back to days before my pizza-conveyed love-handle. Perfect timing for when the meat starts dropping.

[Lil Jonas aggressively screams "NOW!!!" and I laugh because he's an effeminate douche.]

Check out the 1:47 mark. Is that the worst looking late-term abortion of a pizza you’ve ever seen? Sauce sporadically dolloped, ‘ronis scattered about with no regard for topping/slice symmetry, and oregano put on LAST. What a fucking nightmare. AND YOU LOVE THIS GIRL?!? I can understand the wanting to murder you part, but she’s ruining this pizza. 

The chorus repeats a few times and she puts them in the oven, along with that plastic protector thing pizza places use for deliveries. So the moral of the story is something like… don’t eat pizza made by a gigantic blood thirsty girl whom you love. You will die, and all that will remain is your ant-sized charred corpse, some melted plastic and a concept for a terrible song. And a possibly worse blog post about the song.

Butch has yet to realize NBA glory since leaving Madison, but has spent time playing in the NBA’s D-League, as well as China, Germany and, currently, Greece. Even cooler, Butch is now a pitchman for Pep’s Pizza, a Wisconsin-based frozen pizza company.

The following ad has everything I love in a commercial: A local celebrity, unnecessarily switching camera angles which the actor can’t quite catch up with, NO budget, pizza, and that thing where someone shoots a basketball without looking and swishes it.

I’ve watched the commercial like 12 times, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Butch really made the shot.