In addition to being a prophet of pizza, I also fancy myself a bit of a beer connoisseur. And you should too!

For starters, I used to be a paid (when they felt like it) contributor for Alcoholmanac — one of the Greater Milwaukee Area’s premier bi-monthly, 20-page-long, totally shitty, free publications of which you’ve undoubtedly never heard.

Secondly, I drink constantly. And that habitual hitting of the sauce has resulted in numerous actions and decisions that run the gamut of self-destructive, dangerous, unsavoury, and altogether regrettable in nature. Of the voluminous listing of unfortunate alcohol-based choices I’ve made, I would hoist ingesting Mamma Mia’s Pizza Beer somewhere between drunk driving home after being cut off at the Cactus Club, and inducing vomit into a campfire whilst shirtless alongside three other (also shirtless) dudes as an apparent rite of passage. It’s that bad.

My first exposure to Mamma Mia’s came at the peak of inebriation, while “passing the Dutchie” (the ritualistic bonfire-adjacent sharing of random gross beer and abandoned wine coolers, popular in Northern Wisconsin) at a friend’s house. Even then, I knew something was amiss with this brew.

But I just couldn’t get past the realization that the combination of pizza and beer — two of my favorite things — would result in one terrible thing. It’s like saying blowjobs aren’t awesome on snow days; baseball is worse now that the color barrier was broken; and rock ‘n’ roll wouldn’t be as badass if played by dinosaurs. So I, burly and brave Doctor as I am, sacked up and decided to give Mamma Mia a second, more sober, try.

THE GOOD: There is alcohol in Mamma Mia Pizza Beer. Factoring that in, I suppose one could successfully achieve intoxication if they consume enough of it. That said, there are countless non-pizza beer options that can get someone just as blotto, while incurring less suffering. Of them: Generic mouthwash, chewing gum, “Non-Alcoholic” beer, the urine of a really drunk person, gasoline. Even Mike’s Hard Lemonade is a tie. 

THE BAD: It tastes nothing like pizza. Even the worst pizza I can conjure in my annuals of pizza-scarfing apriori does little to resemble this. It’s almost as if those asshats at Mamma Mia came to the (completely false) conclusion that putting basil into something magically transformed it into pizza. It doesn’t. Remember those Doritos that were “flavored like” pizza? They have nothing to do with Mamma Mia Pizza beer, but those were super shitty too. 

Obviously, beer aficionado websites are raving about this swill. Why wouldn’t they? It’s nary a surprise to see that a guild of white, yuppie, beer-snob fatfucks (who appoint themselves to be experts) love something that 103 percent of the galaxy either hates or has never heard of.

“But aren’t you guys just doing the same thing with pizza?” No! We’re WAY different, imaginary reader. Most of us aren’t fat. So, eat shit. Or if you prefer a beverage instead, drink Mamma Mia Pizza Beer.

TRY: An expired can of Mountain Creek + a disgusting amount of basil. You’ll save $2.50.

RATING: The world’s worst “Yo’ Mamma” joke is apparently a microbrew.

Mamma Mia Pizza Beer, T. Mario