Riverwest. It, with South Milwaukee, remains one of the few regional mysteries yet to be thoroughly explored in my still scant inhabitation of the City of Festivals.

I once met with a publisher at a coffee haus on Humboldt, I went to a few shows in the neighborhood, bought an $8 pair of grey slacks at ReThreads that leave no questions in regard to the exact contours of my cock’n'balls, and that’s about it.

Apart from those three things, I’ve learned that all the crustpunkers I know live or routinely hang there, Ronnie got mugged in Riverwest a few years back and Lakefront Brewery began there. Basically, I know shit about it. And after my inaugural Riverwest meal at NYPD, something tells me I probably need not investigate it much further.

I was sent to review the rather unimaginatively-named NYPD for a local publication. There, I found a menu equally lacking in creativity. And bullet holes. Confused to whether I ordered up front or sat down and waited to have my order taken, I eventually opted to meekly approach the counter and rattle off my order: An extra large veggie pizza.

THE GOOD: In addition to its ever-present threat of danger, NYPD offers patrons pretty respectable deals all year long. Our 18-inch za — which usually ran $18 — was rang up for $14. I figure it in part to my wearing the aforementioned dickhugger pants, but I later learned it was a coupon that ultimately did the trick.

The pizza itself was huge, and the toppings were generously doled out. Fresh mushrooms lined the pie’s vast expanses, as did the black olives. And the thing was as cheesy as an Edwin McCain ballad.

THE BAD: The real problem was the pile of green pepper and tomato that converged in the middle of the pizza. It left the middle all gross and soupy. I was tempted to slap on a life vest, you know, just in case shit got too intense. Furthermore, it took about 45 minutes to get said kind of shitty pizza.

Speaking of intense, my white bread ass was slightly unnerved to see what looked to be bullet holes in the window beside our booth. I’m all for an element of risk when eating pizza, but usually that involves ordering sauerkraut on half. I’m too young and pathetic to die.

Inside the safety of the already cracked windows is a seemingly 50s-themed joint, like a much worse Bella’s Fat Cat or one of those novelty McDonald’s.

TRY: Beats me. Though the P and D in the acronym mean “Pizza” and “Delivery,” NYPD offers all sorts of menu items beyond specialty pizzas. Wings, pasta, fish, chicken, salads, a myriad of fried appetizers and more are all on hand — all for fairly cheap. If you live in Riverwest, or have a website similar to Doctors of Za (Orthopedic Surgeons of Fish Fry? Gynecologists of Gyros?), you’ll find something on NYPD’s menu to order and subsequently not be particularly impressed with.

RATING: NYPD blew.

Milwaukee, NYPD, Riverwest, T. Mario