Think about some of the most significant movies to ever come out of Hollywood and it becomes clear that one common thread ties them all together: The indisputable cinematic importance of pizza. Sure, everyone can pinpoint the classics like the unforgettable French bread pizza scene in Gone with the Wind, Brando’s timeless deep-dish pizza monologue at the end of On The Waterfront, and that part in Bad Lieutenant where Harvey Keitel whacks off on some chick’s car and then gets a slice. But pizza has permeated so many levels of the film industry that DoZ is setting out to finally get pizza all the credit it deserves by examining some of the most pivotal pizza scenes ever created.

Home Alone (1990, PG)

This holiday blockbuster plants our hero, Kevin McCallister, right in the middle of the titular predicament. The plot would have you believe that his bad attitude is to blame for his being left out of the family trip to France. But really it was that dickhole Buzz’s fault. After no one bothered to save any plain cheese for Kevin, Buzz very rudely suggests someone is going to have to “barf it up” if Kevin is to get any. This, of course, leads to Kevin charging at Buzz, milk being spilled on the plane tickets, and one ticket being thrown away. What’s the lesson here? Hog all the plain cheese and the Wet Bandits will attack an unattended child.

She’s All That (1999, PG-13)

Apologies for the long-ass clip, but I’ll include time marks for the most crucial sections. In this Cinderella story, Laney Boggs and her chode brother Simon are the biggest losers in school until taken under the wing (albeit for alternative motives) of senior class king Zack Siler. Here, Zack proves his worthiness by defending an unexplainably rollerblading and pepper-dispensing Simon from the Sherminator and an unnamed Vietnam vet, who intend to have him eat pizza with pubic hair on it. First, the Sherminator digs deep into his huge raver pants for a handful of pubes (3:19) and moments later he’s humiliated as the coolest kid in school forces him to “Hoover it,” complete with monster close-up (4:33). Even the shittiest pizza doesn’t deserve pube toppings, but if you had to, would you rather eat a famous person’s pubes or your own?

Cobra (1986, R)
 

Without a clip, you’ll have to take my word for it and settle for this really nice music video. But as you can see, Cobra uncoils a gritty cop narrative about Marion Cobretti, a one-man justice machine whose vigilante ways draws constant criticism from his superiors. In one of the most baffling scenes, Cobretti sits down to clean his gun and scarf a slice of leftover ‘za. But before he can eat it, he has to snip the tip off with a pair of office scissors. Some people would say that circumcising your pizza is a waste of time, but this just serves to further prove that Cobra is his own man and he’ll do things however he sees fit, no matter what those pencil pushers down at the precinct think of him or how much of a dipshit it makes him look like.

Cobra, Home Alone, Master Pizza Theater, Movies, She's All That