What's that thing hanging from his neck?
Remember that scene in “Dances with Wolves” where Kevin Costner and a Native American man boohoo over a bunch of skinned buffalo? I saw the movie once when it was in theatres—my middle school class went as a field trip, which proves that I’m old and that field trips were super shitty in my day. But that scene stood out for a couple of reasons: First, because this kid got in trouble for whipping Sprees at the screen during it, and second, because it illustrates man’s willingness to not only kill all living things, but to also be a complete dick about it. And judging by my recent visit to Moosejaw Pizza in Wisconsin Dells, they are completely for killing and dicking animals.
Or maybe it’s the other way around and Moosejaw respects animals so much that they find a use for every piece of their carcasses.
“Oh great deer! We honor you by having your head stuffed and making a coat rack out of your hooves, so that you will know you did not die in vain.”
“Oh noble raccoon! We celebrate your soul by making a hat out of your face and placing it atop the head of a dignified bear who we also shot in the face.”
Even the name of the restaurant mentions something ripped off a moose’s head. But regardless if this grizzly funhouse of preserved animal parts stands in homage to the spirit of the wild or in mockery of it, it certainly helps to distract from the pizza, which is pretty butt. Certainly the cheese is chewy and the sauce is bland, but this pizza’s overall woes mostly stem from being boring. And that doesn’t help it stand out amidst the waking Northwoods nightmare that engulfs each diner’s now-shattered soul in a purgatory of mammal humiliation.
So instead of languishing upstairs, make your way to basement, where fun knows no bounds.
The good: I had a ping-pong table in my basement growing up and that was mega tits. But compared to the downstairs at Moosejaw, those tits look like a big pile of shit. The claw game filled with Simpsons characters, the Guitar Hero machine, and the walls made of beer cans would already be enough. But this place won’t stop until your pants are drenched with piss from all the excitement. A real arcade that doesn’t make you trade tickets for worthless shit, it was enough to make this old man long for his youth.
The bad: The pizza elicits many a “meh” and “bleh” from even the most forgiving. This probably sounds crazy/beautiful, but next time I’m there, I think I’ll just order a sandwich or a burger or something.
Try: An official brewpub, Moosejaw whips up some pretty tasty suds. One thing that was always missing from arcades I used to frequent was the ability to make and sell their own beer. If you go in the winter, pound a few Scotch ales, a meaty beer that will warm your bones and choke slam your liver.