I could say Polito’s Pizza brings back memories of my college days, but I’d be lying. In fact, the UW-Oshkosh campus-adjacent pizzeria doesn’t bring back any recollections of my brash collegiate youth — the rampant public urination, the form tackling of classmates in church yards, first love, the shoddy promise of a slightly less dim future through sub-standard academia, headbutting a TouchTunes jukebox at Distillery Pub — because Polito’s didn’t open until nearly six months after I graduated.
Rather, the year-old by-the-slice hot spot brings back memories of what was probably the worst period of my life. I was working second shift (including weekends) in the one city I swore to myself I wouldn’t stay following graduation. My commute had me driving over an hour daily, and past my college dorm room and three apartments I inhabited while pursuing my Bachelor’s Degree — dreaming of more. I gained weight; I looked in the mirror every day a was embarrassed of the person I saw, which – in turn – found me inflicting irreparable damage to my (former) relationship, my friendships and my career path because I couldn’t even keep myself happy.
Still, the recent Stevens Point transplant that was Polito’s Pizza in Oshkosh was good enough to at least dull the pains of looking out at South Scott Hall through their window and thinking to myself “How did I get here?” on my lunch break. It was a palatable piece of an otherwise unsavoury experience… like Heather Graham getting naked in a movie in which she must also act.
THE GOOD: The mere fact that Polito’s exists is a good thing. My entire college career, the location which now holds the pizzeria held the charred remnants of a burned down Hungri’s Sub shop. A few years ago, some fuckface from Qdoba’s corporate office told me the burrito chain was considering occupying the space – but it fell through like so much cilantro lime rice and pico de gallo when eating a Qdoba burrito. If Polito’s hadn’t of ballsed up, I’m confident the building would still be a vacant eyesore and the Polito’s staff would be working at the Reeve Union Marketplace or some shit.
Pizza-wise, it’s your standard by-the-slice place. There’s a rotating roster of the usual za (Pepperoni, Spinach and Feta, Sausage, Margarita, Cheese, et cetera), but there’s also more adventurous types like Mac and Cheese, Gryo, Bacon Cheeseburger, and Chicken Alfredo to name a few. The slices are large for the price ($2.25 to $3.25), and the pizza sauce is a salty treat which enhances the use of fresh mozzarella. Keep in mind, you can order entire pizzas too.
THE BAD: A bad aspect of obtaining your pizza on a slice to slice basis is the chance that you’ll wind up with an old and/or dwarf slice. You may walk in with the intention of deflowering a Mac and Cheese slice, but find the only remaining Macs resemble Della Reese’s most recent pap smear instead of the tasty collection of carbs you’ve been craving. Or maybe instead of being handed the gigantic Pepperoni slice that’s larger than any other on the pan, you’re given the tiny ass one directly across from it. These are risks you take when not purchasing an entire pizza made to order. But, when fresh, Polito’s holds up quite well.
TRY: Garlic Knots! Why Knot (pats self on back)? They’re doughy little bitches sprinkled with garlic salt and generously painted with butter. After an order of Knots with marinara dipping sauce and a Polito’s slice — and suddenly you feel like you’re not in Oshkosh anymore, rather, somewhere exotic, beautiful and full of wonder. Like Neenah.
Also, like Pizza Shuttle, they feature a pizza eating content where two fatfuckz are tasked with the demolition of a 12-pound, 28” pizza in hopes of winning money. Last I heard, nobody has won this yet.
RATING: If the Polito’s customer wearing the Milwaukee Brewers uniform represents Pizza Hut and Wolfman in the middle is Papa John’s, then this hot-as-fuck rendition of Little Red Riding Hood on the left is Polito’s Pizza in Oshkosh. Now that’s one hood I’d love to be riding red.
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By the way, I don’t want to kill myself or anything. I just thought it was a fitting and accurate intro. OH GOD! I HAVE NOTHING! NOTHING!!!
