Like abortion, religion and Brett Favre, I’ve found Pizza Shuttle to be a rather polarizing topic. 

Since it was berthed on Milwaukee’s East Side in 1985, Shuttle has cultivated a loyal following — one cheap and overtly cheesy thick crust pizza at a time. Equally, it has garnered its fair share of hatred through over the years with its spotty service, Chuck E. Cheese for adults-type atmosphere, and hit-and-miss quality that makes the Son of Sam murders seem consistent by comparison.

Love it or hate it, if you live in or near Milwaukee, you almost certainly have an opinion of Pizza Shuttle. Here is mine.

When I moved to the area a few months back, I became privy to the Pizza Shuttle namesake. After taking the necessary time to gawk at all them big ‘ol buildings downtown and to marvel at the first non-white people I’d ever seen up close, I almost immediately climbed aboard the Shuttle so I, too, could weigh in on the partisan pizza pie place.

Maybe it was the gallon of rail whiskey talking, but at first glimpse, my mind was flooded with a priori of Pizza Planet, the pizza joint in Toy Story – except the whole checking you for guns part. It was bright, bustling and had an aura of the functionally futuristic (at least in terms of long-standing pizza places). 

You've got a friend in me.

Apart from Pixar comparisons, my mind and taste buds were both clean slates to the pizza and the atmosphere I was to finally embark upon.

THE GOOD: I must admit, I’ve only had Pizza Shuttle twice — once in pre-made by-the-slice form, the other in ordering a fresh pizza of my choosing. But on those two occasions, the taste retention held pat. The sauce was zesty, full of flavor and all over the place… like a tomato-based Viggo Mortensen (2006 – present). At its base, the pizza — with its fluffy crust, its generous bloodletting of sauce, the hefty helping of cheese and greasy toppings — isn’t too different from that of a Shakey’s or Pizza Hut pizza. It’s far from gourmet, but it tastes good. 

Also they seem to always have at least one awesome deal where you can get a large pizza for like $8. Plus, they have red Gatorade in their soda fountains, and offer vegan alternatives — which is good if 1. You’re vegan. 2. Wish to be spared from overhearing some lame vegan’s holier than thou rambling about corporate America’s faults (because they got drunk on Fat Tire, caved and got a cheese pizza) from the booth next to you at bar close.

THE BAD: Since I choose to only arm myself with my boyish good looks (and foam nunchucks) when I leave the house, I find it odd that Pizza Shuttle runs a metal detector over its patrons after 11:00 o’clock.  Yeah, it’s a shuttle by name, but not an airport shuttle. I suppose it ensures safety for customers… unless the shooter walks in at 10:56 or something.

Also, I’ve both seen and heard of numerous discrepancies in their delivery service. You’ve never truly vomited until you’ve waited 90-plus minutes to be handed a hot $7 salad. And our Sto Cazzo wanted to make sure I mentioned that Pizza Shuttle’s wings suck dick. 

TRY: Pizza Shuttle’s Largest WI Pizza Contest. In it, you and a partner are tasked with eating a 12-pound, 28” pizza in an hour. If you win, you’re $500 richer (well, more like $450 after paying for the pizza). And yes, it’s been done. Call a day ahead though. Try it before Man vs. Food (probably) does when he runs out of cool cities to go to.

RATING: The grey area between great shitty pizza and shitty great pizza. Worth the hype and the ridicule. The inside recess of pizzas.

Milwaukee, Pizza Shuttle, T. Mario, vegan