I had been anxious to try Maria’s for a long time, so when the opportunity finally presented itself, I jumped at it. Unfortunately Maria’s is closed on Mondays, so T. Mario and I had to settle for Steny’s instead. But less than a week later we made a second attempt that was moderately more successful.

First off, Maria’s is kind of a pain in the ass to get to. It’s about a 25 minute drive from the downtown Milwaukee area any way you drive there, so you’re probably going to have to go out of your way for it. But I think there is enough reason for you to take that trek down Forest Home Ave to soak in everything that is Maria’s Pizza.

From the outside, Maria’s just seems like a house with a shitload of neon lights on it. But those neon lights say “PIZZA,” so it’s pretty obvious you’re at the right place. When you step inside, some sort of “Welcome to Maria’s” automated message gets triggered, but I was too stunned by the Christmas lights everywhere to hear exactly what was said. And I don’t mean one or two strings of lights; the entire place is COVERED in them. And what isn’t covered in lights is covered in pictures of Jesus or other Christian figures. Heathens beware.

After your eyes adjust, you’ll notice the dining area isn’t nearly large enough to handle the amount of seating set up. We got there early, so it wasn’t too bad, but by the time we left the whole place was packed. I suppose when your dining room can’t quite handle the business you have, you have to handle it somehow. They handle it by cramming as many tables as possible into the room. Pray to the dude on the walls that you don’t get seated next to some screaming children or smelly hobos.

Another thing that jumps out immediately: NO ALCOHOL. No beer, no wine, nothing. Apparently when the restaurant first opened they were denied a liquor license because there were too many already in the area. Even though the business has changed locations, they just never re-applied. So you’ll have to settle for beer of the root variety.

Now, about the pizza. The large was HUGE. Like, as big as our table was wide. They don’t shape their pizzas in circles or squares like normal pizza places do; it’s more of a oblong amoeba shape. The pan it was brought out on couldn’t even contain the entire za, with the ends spilling out over the edge. It looked amazing, that’s for sure.

THE GOOD: The size/shape of the pizzas are very unique. The slices are cut just as oddly as the pizzas are shaped, with some pieces being abnormally large. The toppings were fairly generous and the crust was thin and crispy, yet slightly chewy. The service was friendly and adequate, though we did have to go out of our way for a refill on our pitcher of root beer. The price seemed pretty reasonable too; our large supreme pizza cost around $16 and easily sated four adult humans.

THE BAD: The sauce was extremely bland. That’s a huge no-no for pizza, as far as I’m concerned. I really don’t think it added anything to the flavor, and that’s the main thing the sauce is supposed to do for pizza. If it wasn’t for all of the other toppings, this could have been a disaster of a pizza. Also, the no booze thing is kind of a downer. Most of the Doctors of Za (okay, probably all) like to throw back a few brewskis while dining. And with all the religious relics around, you’d think they’d try to be a bit more like Jesus. You know that dude liked to party, turning water into wine and whatnot.

TRY: We got the supreme pizza, which was rather satisfying. The toppings are pretty standard: cheese, pepperoni, sausage, black olives, green peppers and onions. You should probably try not to say anything offensive about religion in here; they seem to take that shit pretty seriously.

I hate to say it, but I was pretty let down with Maria’s. For everything I had heard about it, the pizza just wasn’t up to par, pretty much entirely due to the nearly tasteless sauce. Combined with the fact that you have to drive all the way down to the Southwest side of town and eat it sober, it’s just not quite worth it. The decor and idiosyncrasies are enough to warrant at least checking this place out. But if you happen to be a Jesus-freak teetotaler who hates flavorful pizza sauce, this place will be your jam.

RATING: