As far as I’m concerned, there are only two reasons people go to The Cheesecake Factory. 1. They’re going to prom. 2. They want to get their genitals played with. Since I haven’t done either of those things in months, I consider it odd that I recently found myself dining at the Milwaukee location of this famed franchise. But there I was, in the immense chain eatery in all its implied better-than-TGI Friday’s decadence.
Despite the rarefied air of, like, every girl’s favorite restaurant, I didn’t relent to the pressure of trying some fancy ass almond-crusted- or lemon pepper-type dish — or even the cheesecake North America has been slinging jizz over since 1978. Single-minded as I am, I was there to eat up some motherfucking pizza.
I don’t go to places like The Cheesecake Factory often. Besides the fact that I’m a sparely-employed journalist who’s too busy being corn-holed to death by student loans to blow $18 on roasted artichoke appetizers, there are a number of reasons I don’t frequent reputable restaurant chains:
A. Most are located in annoying, mall-adjacent areas that significantly increase the chances of encountering shit like the elderly, fuckers who abruptly stop to gawk at nothing in particular even though you’re right behind them, crying kids, people with cellphone holsters, and teenagers with badditudes and overtly loud hooded sweatshirts.
B. You always have to wait to be seated. It could be Tuesday mid-morning… during a tornado warning on the day of an election and I’d still have to wait in the ever-crowded front lobby area for my table. At least you get those vibrating things. Ever put that thing on your lap? It’s almost worth the wait.
C. The menus are too diverse. If I want a burger, I go to a burger place. When I’m hankering for Thai, I go to a restaurant that specifically serves only Thai food. When a place sticks to one thing it knows, they own the fuck out of it. They need to for the sake of staying in business. There’s no “Next time I’ll try… instead” at non-chains, and that ups the ante.
I found the Cheesecake Factory to be a versatile chain exception that doles out tastebud boners regardless of the food type… but have you ever had stir fry at AppleBee’s? That place can make any genre of food sub-par. And TGI Friday’s can munch my rug too. I hate TGI Friday’s.
But since I had never eaten at The Cheesecake Factory before… and I wasn’t paying for it, I gave it a whirl. I swear I looked at the menu for about 43 seconds before my food decision was delivered to me in a way not unlike that naked babe riding the clam in that ”The Birth of Venus” painting. Roasted Vegetables and Goat Cheese Pizza.
THE GOOD: This thin crust pizza came to play. A gorgeous culinary mural of roasted eggplant, red and yellow peppers, tomato pieces, olives, artichoke hearts, onion and pesto tied together with both mozzarella and goat cheese — this 10-inch pizza was both extravagant and delicious. If you’ve never had goat cheese before, get your head out of your ass and try it. It’s like a creamy, less-bitter feta + the cure for polio x the first day of spring. Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s corporate policy that every server and hostess there has to be cute and bubbly.
THE BAD: The high school reunion of toppings made for a greasy and overly-flimsy pizza. It was great… but it got progressively more soggy as I ate. I’m into crispy crust and prefer to not need a shower to clean up after eating a small pizza. To me, a day’s second shower is like the TGI Friday’s of personal hygiene practices. And the place is loud as hell (300 people and Top 40 (s)hits), not to mention it’s pretty Goddamn expensive compared to the weak portions.
TRY: The pizza. In another world, they could have called this place The Pizza Factory. Atmosphere aside, the Roasted Veggie/Goat Cheese ’Za would make a “Good pizza’s I’ve eaten” mix tape if I made one for my best friend or a girl I just began dating. In all, they have about 10 single-serving specialty pizzas on site.
It might not be a place I’ll visit often, but I must admit the pizza at The Cheesecake Factory is actually worth going to The Cheesecake Factory for.
RATING: A naked Jane Seymour offering to do your income taxes.
