Urbandictionary.com features a definition of a pizza slut as “a girl that works at Pizza Hut who gets fucked a lot by different men.” There’s even a mock dialogue added for clarification:

Employee: Let me stuff your crust, Pizza Slut.

Pizza Slut: Ok!

Pretty rough, especially since I consider myself a bit of a pizza slut and I’m neither a woman nor a former Pizza Hut employee. It seems there are enough patrons of Ian’s Pizza in Madison that feel the same way, enough to warrant an Ian’s “Pizza Slut” t-shirt, anyways. And Ian’s has the kind of pizza that is definitely worth hoeing it up for.

With two locations inexplicably placed only blocks apart, Ian’s has set up a well-deserved pizza monopoly in downtown Madison by applying mega-fucked-up combinations of toppings to huge slices of ‘za. Even Travel Channel bald guy Andrew Zimmern took a break from his hectic animal balls-eating schedule to recently shoot a segment at Ian’s for his new show, coming specifically to pound a big gooey mac ‘n’ cheese slice.

Take your choice of either location, prepare yourself for some jazzy wall décor, and just try and not feel like a huge-ass slut for that pizza. But once you get it all up your guts, you can just forget about it.

The good: A luscious spread of huge WTF pizzas gone horribly RIGHT. Like Milwaukee Bucks center Dan Gadzuric, sometimes something that looks so shitty on paper turns out to be a complete game-changer in person. Lasagna, French fries, refried beans: they’re all here in pizza form. And it looks like (starting Nov. 23) they’ll have a Thanksgiving pizza with turkey, cranberries, stuffing, and gravy on top of mashed potatoes. I personally can’t wait to dip my pilgrim nuggets into that sauce.

The bad: If you go early there will probably be a bunch of little rascals wandering over from the children’s museum. If you go late there will probably be a bunch of larger rascals wandering over from The Pub. Either way, keep your eyes peeled for puke piles.

Try: Any and all of the pizza by the slice. But if you need dessert, try a blob of the artisan frozen yogurt. Artisan is like a different word for artist, so it will probably be like having a tiny Norman Rockwell jump into your mouth and paint a picture with yogurt.

Rating: It’s like if Ian Curtis and Ian MacKaye fucked and had a baby and the baby was born into Sir Ian McKellen as Gandalf’s beard.

Ian's Pizza, Madison, pizza slut