Beautiful as it is, there’s not much happening in Shorewood, WI. Sure, I reside a mere five-minute stroll from a gorgeous Lake Michigan beach; my neighborhood is both nicer and more safe than any other place I’ve lived; and I have coveted driveway parking just a Peter North cumshot from Oakland Ave. But (discounting the fire-bombed remains of Britain’s) there are just two bars in my neighborhood, and I’ve slowly come to realize that I — a high functioning 24-year-old alcoholic and nighthawk — have accidentally settled in the yoga and optometry district of Greater Milwaukee.
So when I happened upon Gianelli’s, a dine-in pizza joint and one of three local businesses miraculously open past 6:30 p.m., I was excited to give it a try.
Walking into the small Capitol Drive ediface was a strange scene. Instead of entering a shop to a clanging bell to be met with pleasing mood music, I was encountered with desolation and silence. I stared around the small room, my eyes hitting each blank, undecorated wall without seeing a soul. Clearing my throat, a man’s head poked out curiously from behind a counter. The man looked in my direction surprised, as if saying to himself, “What the fuck? A human? Here?”
I requested a menu and after a careful glance, I settled on an item off Gianelli’s weekday $6.75 “Mix or Match Special” list – a medium mushroom pizza, to be specific.
THE GOOD: You know how little kids and annoying pussy adults hate pizza crust? Well, they’d probably enjoy Gianelli’s crust. It’s like small down comforters that you can eat. WITH YOUR MOUTH! It was fresh and mushy and had a light dusting of flour. God damn. If I ran for Mayor of Shorewood, I’d draw up a Government contract to have Gianelli’s Pizza make crust blankets for the homeless to both feed and cover them.
I also liked that they use fresh mushrooms. It’s cheap too. Beyond the week day specials, there’s an ever-present buy one, get one free deal on pizzas ($12.65 for two one-topping pizzas? GTFO!).
THE BAD: I chalk it up to Gianelli’s probably never having a customer before, but they kind of undercooked my pizza. A veggie pizza can’t technically be undercooked, but it can be taken out of the oven during a state of half-meltiness, so you either 1.) pull all the cheese off the slice with your first bite OR 2.) are forced to hold down the cheese with a finger during each bite, so you look/feel like a waste of skin with your suddenly greasy and sauce-covered hands. Additionally, the mushrooms – though delicious – were lacking. Maybe I’m some hayseed, but where I come from, we cover our pizzas in toppings.
TRY: Something other than pizza. The Za is OK enough, but for being a tiny shop that probably once was… and almost certainly will soon be a dry cleaner, Gianelli’s boasts a pretty impressive menu. They have Italian options, standard fried appetizers, buffalo wings, fried chicken, subs and black angus burgers — all at fair prices. Their spinach pie especially seems like a worthwhile gamble.
So if you’re in Shorewood and want some hometown pizza… go the extra 10 feet to Milwaukee. Or try Gianelli’s Pizza. At least it won’t be an expensive mistake.
RATING: A couple stars, a clover and some lint.
