I believe it was famed philosopher Immanuel Kant who first said, “It takes two to make a thing go right” — and I think no better pairing in history helps correctly prove this assertion than that of Frank Pierri and Pat Earle. As I mentioned in my Cranky Pat’s Review, the friends were responsible for bringing pizza to the Fox Valley in 1955. Though the pair had a falling out that made the collapse of Rome seem civil by comparison, the edifice of the old Frank & Pat’s – the cradle of Appleton’s first Za, if you will – still stands today as Frank’s Pizza Palace.

It’s silly to say Frank’s has a great deal of history… any restaurant that’s managed to last over 50 years has history out the ass. But Frank’s has a great deal of history to me. It’s a place my parents frequented in high school, a place my grandparents probably hit up on their way to some kind of crazy ’70s key party, and a place I can remember from my youth. It was great pizza to me, even before I decided to pursue my doctorate in the food. It was juicy roast beef to me before that term became euphemism for a mangled-looking vagina.

Fucking asshole.

When I was in Cub Scouts, we took a field trip to Frank’s to learn how to make our own pizzas. One kid put his unwashed hands in a tub of raw sausage and Frank fucking LOST IT. He screamed at this unsanitary youth, shouting profanities and getting all up in his face. It was awesome, but kind of scary — like taking a purple dump.

Anyway, Frank’s dead now, but I still wouldn’t risk fucking with him. That guy was intimidating, but he could sure make a pizza.

THE GOOD: Anything. The crust is super thin and crispy. The sausage is made in-house, and they use fresh mushrooms. The sauce is near-identical to Cranky Pat’s, which is my personal favorite sauce. They also have pasta, a salad bar and crunchy garlic bread — each of which I’ve gladly endured watching my uncle disgustingly eat while waiting for my delicious Frank’s pie.

THE BAD: At times, the service. Pizza with raw sausage and fresh mushrooms cooked in an ancient oven takes time, so be patient. In the meantime, little service industry tools like regular drink refills, everyone getting their food at the same time, and not sexually harassing each other (at least in front of customers) go a long way. But maybe I’m asking for too much.

TRY: “Frank’s Special” (double sausage, double mushrooms, and two toppings of your choice) OR “Vegetarian Special” (tomato pieces, broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, green peppers, onion and three cheeses). It will make your nips hard enough to shift the tides of Lake Winnebago. And I don’t even know how tides work!

If you’re in the Fox Cities, give Frank’s a try. It’s as Appleton as rampant Houdini plaques, The Lawe Street hill, and getting popular fast food chains two years after your initial exposure to them.

RATING: Middle School snow day when you didn’t finish an important Civics projects due that morning.

Appleton, Fox Cities, Frank's Pizza Palace, T. Mario