There aren’t many things I look forward to anymore.

Beyond baseball’s opening day, open bars at weddings, and things I’ve put off until my thirties like marriage and kids (rhythm method forbid), nothing I do really evokes that sense of passion, longing and anticipation I routinely felt when I was younger. Maybe I’ve learned not to expect much from the world, or maybe I’m just a realist.

I’m not sure exactly why, but I looked forward to eating at Classic Slice.

I was first exposed to this Bay View restaurant when I stumbled on their MySpace page. I can’t recall exactly when that was, but taking the “MySpace page” aspect of the memory into account, it was probably around two years ago. What sparked my interest was the shear enormity of the slices, and the near infinite onslaught of available toppings didn’t hurt either.

After a seemingly endless ride down KK into the heart of Bay View, an even longer wait to shove a hot Classic Slice slice in my mouth was about to end. Walking into the near empty eatery was like the scene in Jurassic Park when they first see the island from the helicopter. I was into it.

The words on the chalkboard left of the counter were that of significant scripture. Toppings like: Fresh mushrooms, spinach, vegan sausage, peperoni, tomato pieces, bacon, feta cheese, peppers — and so many more made my knees weak and my inseam tight. I didn’t know what to get, but figuring I’d make Classic Slice an integral part of my Cactus Club speed-sobriety plan, I decided to listen to my heart on this, my virgin experience.

Turns out my heart is an asshole.

I went with fresh mushrooms and tomatoes on my slice. The massive slice lived up to its billing, big enough to serve as a makeshift blanket for a premature baby. But I wasn’t impressed with the portions of either topping. If I knew I’d be getting four mushroom pieces and a third of a gimp Roma tomato, I would’ve just gone with extra cheese or ordered two slices.

THE GOOD: The sauce. Holy shit, I liked the sauce. It’s a thick, magically zesty and flavorful combination. It was the sauce equal of what I imagine getting a blumpkin to be like. The cheese was slightly greasy, but in a good way. For those not into grease, Ronnie’s spinach and feta slice didn’t look too bad, so maybe not being topping raped by mushroom and tomato is the way to go.

THE BAD: Beyond the scant toppings, it’s a bit pricey. Each topping is 55 cents, so two slices with two toppings apiece comes in around $11. Again, if you got 55 cents worth of your preferred topping, it’s well worth it. But $11 for $8.50 worth of pizza (and no drinks) is like what I imagine giving a blumpkin to be like.

TRY: Vegan sausage. I’m no longer a vegetarian, but I’m always interested in trying vegan alternatives. That’s on my radar for next time, along with the feta – which seemed to be adequately portioned.

I liked Classic Slice, but just like your birthday, that highly-anticipated follow-up to your favorite band’s best album, and most anything else, its not worth getting worked up over. Is it Opening Day yet?

Rating: 91.7

Bay View, Classic Slice, Milwaukee, T. Mario